Is Your Garbage Disposal Hungry?
Read more articles on Scattered Thoughts.October 23, 2006
Posted by Tiffany Aller
October 23, 2006
Posted by Tiffany Aller
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I have to share a funny (ish) story.
Have you ever had a hungry garbage disposal?
This morning, around 6:20, when I’m usually settling down to write for an hour before heading to my “real” job, I was in the kitchen merrily rustling through the fridge, looking for stuff that had date stamps from the Eisenhower administration or food that had gone into “Chia pet” status. I was determined to clear it out in anticipation of leftovers from tonight’s dinner with family, and I wanted anything that needed to go out in the trash to hit the can before hubby left for work at 6:30…so he could drop the garbage off at the dumpster on the way.
I’ll admit that cleaning out my fridge is a secret passion of mine. It fits well with my compulsive nature. (I’ve stopped alphabetizing stuff, but it MUST be lined up.) A modest pile resulted this morning, which I dutifully put down the garbage disposal before deciding whether the containers were the nice kinds we keep or the nasty kinds we toss. Apparently, this smattering of 7-layer bean dip, half-eaten hamburger, old salad supplies and unused lime wedges only wet the disposal’s appetite.
After finishing off the food and loading up the dishwasher to run, I saw hubby off and was on my way to the easy chair to settle down to write a bit…but as I rounded the corner from the kitchen to the dining room, my attention was drawn to the formerly pretty Farmer’s Market flowers hubby had brought home nearly two weeks ago. A striking purple color, the water in the vase had seemingly leeched all pigment from the delicate petals, turning the water a shade that was almost disconcerting.
“Hmmm….”, I thought. “Hmmm….”
Flowers are, in effect, very similar to most food, correct? It lives, it’s plucked, it could, conceivably be eaten. Right? And these flowers, while pretty, were mostly dead and thus no longer attractive to display.
“The garbage disposal needs dessert,” I thought. “I shall grant its wish.”
Turns out the garbage disposal would have rather chewed a Tums. I fed the entire bunch at once. Perhaps this was my first mistake, but grouping the stems made for a circumference perfectly sized for my drain. The stems were chewed, eaten and swallowed…no prob, Bob. But the leaves…the pretty, pretty, purple leaves.
Did I mention that these flowers closely resembled a poodle’s head? LOADS of fluff, but yet not much substance? (I apologize to poodle fans worldwide. But I have a chihuahau and a border collie…so tough.) The garbage disposal did not want fluff.
At that point, we decided to drop all formalities and get acquainted, GD and I. (The initials are not coincidental.) After GD choked on the pretty petals and started coughing purple tinted water onto countertop and light-colored nightgown alike, I decided it was time for the throat-sweep maneuver taught in CPR classes. Gross or not, I plucked handful after handful of formerly-pretty-now-mangled-and-mushy petals from the sink. (Yes, I turned GD off first. This is a comedy, not a horror. Besides, don’t your friends get turned off when they start spitting up barely-identifiable substances?) I used a ladle and ladled water after clearing the muck, so I could see to the bottom. (Can I mention how glad I am to have a double sink, where the other drain is separate from the GD drain?)
At the end of this exercise, seemingly no obstructions remained. I decided to run a bit of water, turn on GD (easy to turn on - like flipping a switch!) and let it run its course. Wrong response. GD wasn’t done feeling ill. The sink again was filled with a slightly-less vivid purple, which I again ladled. Deciding it was time for GD to get medicated, I dutifully poured a half bottle of Drano down its throat, and having wasted 50 minutes of my life in an unfulfilling relationship with GD, went to work.
When I got home, I rejoiced - the Drano had drained, and GD appeared to be feeling better. But they say you have to get worse before you get better…flipping the switch, I opened the faucet…and found pink water pooling in the sink. Healthcare background or not, I was out of my league. It was time to call in the big guns - Dr. Hubby.
Dr. Hubby grabbed the paddles (ok, the plunger) and prepared to restart GD’s heart. After several pumps and a bit of massaging, the crisis was finally over. GD and I shared a private moment - and a cucumber peel - a short while later, but we’ve decided to part ways until we can learn to communicate at a healthier level.
After all, when I thought GD wanted dessert, it simply wanted a Tums.
Hope you’ve found this amusing!
Tiffany
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