The “Only” Child
Read more articles on Family and Let Me Share With You.June 1, 2007
Posted by Karen Amato Schwartz
June 1, 2007
Posted by Karen Amato Schwartz
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A couple of years ago, a national weekly magazine ran a cover story on “onlies”, and pointed out that they were becoming more numerous than ever, especially in New York. Apparently many dual-income parents think that one is enough, considering logistics and the rising costs of education. The article went on to state that only children are in a unique position; they act much more grown up than their peers, but aren’t as socially comfortable as those their age who have been constantly surrounded by siblings.
As an only, and mother of an only, I find it very true.
I can’t speak for my parents, but in my case-as with many others-we did not have much of a choice in the matter. Medical conditions and other situations pretty much paved the way for our fate.
Yet, even if it was a matter of choice, I don’t think it should bear the stigma that it sometimes does. On the contrary, many onlies have an outstanding quality from adapting to their lone condition. It could be in grades-there’s more time for studying or intellectual pursuits when there aren’t others constantly around with which to play. You may notice it in artistic endeavors-there isn’t anyone around to distract or criticize creative efforts, and adults are greatly supportive. There may likely be precociousness from being allowed to take part in adult activities and conversations, and a sense of being comfortable with themselves. (They have to be, since they can’t rely on others for their happiness or entertainment.)
My mother always told people I may be only, but not lonely, and I never understood what the big deal was if others thought I was lonely in the first place. (At times I was.) But assumptions like this, as well as being “spoiled” are usually thrown out by people who either came from “average sized” families or have large ones of their own. It’s always annoyed me.
Onlies can’t help what was in the cards for them, even though the struggles they may endure when young pretty even out when older. They usually make the best friends because they, if anyone, can really appreciate people! Now, occasionally it may seem they are over anxious and clingy, but it comes with the territory of growing up..well…alone. They simply don’t have the security of knowing that there are brother and sister support systems to fall back on; friends really are their family. Folks who have that automatic safety net should really try to understand that the only child doesn’t, has never, and will never, have what they take for granted.
When my daughter was younger, it greatly bothered me that other families forget those of us with onlies. They’d make their plans and forget that perhaps another child may be thrilled to join. It seemed that we were always taking one or another kid with us, but others rarely returned the gesture because their hands were already full with their own children.
If this sounds like I’m letting off steam about a long term grievance, perhaps I am. It’s tough being an only, even in middle age. I wish I could have given my daughter a sibling, but it just wasn’t meant to be. In addition to fighting against allowing them to be “spoiled”, parents of an only have to do much more in terms of time and energy being pal and playmate. So, the bottom line message for today’s piece is to ask all of you parents of “traditional” families not to forget those with only one. It may not seem like much to you, but it makes a big difference to that only who may need a break from too much togetherness with their parents!
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Great post! I’m an only, too, and I can definitely see the benefit of being an only child. At the same time, I often long for a sibling - when I have something I need to share with someone, or when I’m desperate for advice on how to handle the problems of my parents who are growing older. It’s a delicate balance, isn’t it? As my husband and I look to start a family, I wonder what is in store for us - while I’d love two or three, I’d be just as happy to raise another only!
Tiffany-
Thanks for your response; perhaps when you’re able to return to Article Authors we can chat about this!
Karen